Monologues Of A Twenty Something

Marriage is No Fairy Tale

2011-05-26T01:01:00.002+08:00

Image taken from farihasecret.blogspot.com

The hype of wedding engagements is surreal for many couples. It’s fun and exciting, stressful and expensive! Couples get into cloud 9 moments and just go for it – their dream wedding! It’s a big celebration, and couples go overboard. Heck, “we only get married once”, is the common mantra. Oh yes! I’ve been there, and no regrets. After a year of marriage, I tell you it’s no fairy tale. Weddings perhaps. Life is still beautiful and exciting, but life catches up real quick. Reality sinks in, responsibilities and expenses double, and I believe almost all emotions and virtues have been used or abused. It’s the highs and lows of the stock market, and that will be the trend we have to face and accept. Getting married is a choice, and staying married is hard work borne out of love and grace from the Lord.

Our Cross

2011-03-10T20:27:00.001+08:00

Overcoming ourselves is very hard to do. I understand and feel the pain and the hurt. But I also believe in denying ourselves in order to be the person God wants us to be. But with our worldly tolerance for anxiety, we never reach that point of godliness. The struggle and sacrifice seems too much to bear. We are left utterly disappointed, lost and insignificant. I cannot blame for I cannot walk the talk as well. But the thoughts of piety linger in my mind. I can only hope and pray that God would lead us there, each and every one of us.

Jesus & the Pharisees

2011-01-19T17:22:00.000+08:00

The story of Jesus and the Pharisees is about Jesus healing a man on the Sabbath, which the Pharisees forbid because it is in the law of the Church that no work is to be done on this day.

The reflection here is “The evil of ignoring others' needs – God's law – the Law of Love – requires us to take action when we recognize the needs of others and we have the ability to do something about it. Helping others is an act of preserving life; ignoring a person's suffering is destructive and evil.” (2010. Terry A. Modica .Good News Reflections. http://co104w.col104.mail.live.com/default.aspx?wa=wsignin1.0)

You have recognized the need to preserve your family as a Mother, and as the only parent left. You have recognized that it is you who has the ability to ask from them – when they reacted negatively, you questioned. When they denied you, you demanded. You became the black sheep and the scapegoat because of their selfishness. But your actions are willfully out of love because you know that your family and those people who depend on your business are in need. Their inaction on your sufferings or for your improvement in life; or their inaction to correct what is right for the benefit of everyone; or their action of denial upon your rights is evil because they have hindered you of what is rightfully and appropriately yours, where in fact, giving this “thing” will not lessen them in any way, because they have their share to part-take – as for everyone else.

Sometimes I still get confused because it is never pleasant to see family members fight. But still in the end, I trust you, and more importantly, I understand what you are fighting for and why you are doing this.

Despite all of these things, I pray that love and forgiveness prevails, however, whenever.

This Is It!

2010-07-07T16:07:00.001+08:00

I’ve been waiting for the right timing. I guess this is it. This is the sign.

It has been bothering me, affecting my work. I’ve been confused, though I know the obvious…or rather, I know the obvious, but I’m just so attached. Attached to everyone, and so used to this life of 5 years. But I guess it’s time to move on…time to close this chapter and open a new one. I expected another 2 or 3 months. I never expected it to be this soon, because I thought I would prepare myself, prepare my thoughts, prepare what to say, plan everything so it would be easy. I guess it’s never easy to say good-bye. Now it makes me sad, but this is for the best - hoping for the best.

It's Not Just A Ride

2010-06-03T13:18:00.006+08:00

i miss riding my bike
and just feeling the cool wind on my face
as i breeze the streets.
i miss the inner peace of observing the streets
and enjoying the moment.
i miss the freedom of racing with my biking partner.
i miss wearing my helmet and gloves.
i miss mounting and dismounting bikes on the pickup.
i miss stretching.
i miss sweat and tiredness from a good workout.
i miss exercise and just feeling healthy, adventurous and active.

*taken from http://www.nutsbike.com/tag/bike

Wasting Time

2010-05-25T17:23:00.006+08:00

I found my way through this blogger, and enjoyed wasting my time reading through "Oohhh..Lala!!!".

An excerpt -

"Aside from being immersed in different cultures, reliving history, enjoying art and food...the best thing traveling has taught me is HUMILITY. You realize that you are but a small entity in this big,big universe. Ang tendency kasi kapag dito ka lang sa Pilipinas, you become complacent. You know your environment so well, you feel you can go through life blindfolded. you stop asking questions, you stop trying new things, you stick to the cycle. But when you're in a new place, every person is a stranger and everyday is a new adventure. Travel is the best life teacher." (Friday, March 16, 2007 || Patty Laurel)

I've always dreamed of traveling the world - exploring, experiencing, living.

Think Long-term

2010-04-30T09:34:00.003+08:00

Am I brave enough to leave the borders of security and trust the universe?

Am I ready to leave the goods for more experience, knowledge and growth – the intangibles of life – which for me, is more rich, fruitful, fulfilling.

Big move; bold move.

I’m taking this chance for our future.

I’m excited and nervous.

Though you give me vague and insubstantial answers to my pressures, I have faith in you.

This faith should and must overcome my uncertainties.

I am open, willing and trusting.

We are in this together…forever.

Mornings @ 6

2010-04-21T09:22:00.001+08:00

I’ve noticed a drastic change during my weekday mornings. Since the condo is still under renovation, my husband and I have been staying at their home for a good 3 weeks. This is advantageous and practical since it’s closer to my office than previous.

I would still set the alarm at 6:00am; getup 15 to 20 minutes later to do my rituals of getting ready for work. The difference is remarkable!

Before, when I came from the south, I would leave home w/o makeup, w/o brushing my hair, and with an empty stomach. I’d better be on the road before 7:00am to avoid heavy traffic. I would have to drive a good 1hour or more dropping my Mom off at her office in Makati, then speed to Ortigas with all the hassles of the road. By the time I get to the office, I look so harassed. Hehehe! Then after work, we have to let the rush hour traffic pass before heading home. This is about 10 in the evening. But that’s the way of life from the south. You get used to it and we’re just thankful for the safe travels.

Now, it’s just so convenient; I’m amazed! The past few weeks my stomach is full before leaving at around 7:30am and get to work by 8:00am more or less, with a driver. The most wonderful thing is that this time I get to put on my makeup and brush my hair. Stress free! Then after work, I get more time for sleep!!! Hmmm…wonderful!

Despite all that, I still miss home in the south especially my family, my bed, my stuff, my space. But it’s different now, and I am looking forward to new beginnings.

You are My Home

2010-04-19T13:24:00.003+08:00

So happy waking up next to you and bidding the good night beside you.

But I guess we can’t have it all...

I yearn for you in these lonely hours, sitting on this chair all day. I’d rather argue with you than interact with this machine.

I want to go home! Home is wherever you are.

2010 March 27

2009-11-19T11:17:00.013+08:00

I attempted to create a wedding website using Wedding Announcer last September, unfortunately I couldn't do much with it - adding photos and music were not working. I found out today from one of their forums that the admin is sick and is out indefinitely, and no one else can administer. So instead of creating another wedding website, I thought I would just post here what I have created so far. It's only two pages anyway - the 'Welcome' and 'About Us' pages. Hehe.

This is how the Welcome page looks like -

Since my 'About Us' is quite long, I'll just post the whole composition -

Our Story
It all started in High School...

We were High School classmates in Colegio San Agustin, Makati. It was 'love at first sight' for Moch during our freshman year (hihihi! I was 'loveable' daw e). But nothing transpired. We weren't even friends then. In Sophomore year we became seatmates. I thought he was a snob or just too shy because he wouldn't speak or even look my way. Literally isang tanong, isang sagot lang siya. The first time I remember him speak to me was during our Report Card distribution that summer of '99. That was because we ran into each other in the hallway and I said 'Hi!' to him. That night, he called me up at home, said 'I love you', and started courting me from then on. He wasted no time! :D (Well that's because this was his 2nd life after his 50-50 Dengue scare). But I thought that was weird. Who says 'I love you' on their first conversation? He told me to give him a chance, so I did.

The courtship wasn't smooth-sailing...

Allow me to cut this story short and fast forward (both of us don't want to look back anymore at our Junior year in HS, especially Prom! In short, I turned him down and he was heart-broken. tsk, tsk, tsk). The only time we really got to know each other was during our graduation year. (Oh diba, he still befriended me after I turned him down) Hindi naman sa makapal ang mukha ko pero he was really crazy about me like a blind follower. Those times I really wondred why (Hehe!). We became close friends, and I slowly got to know the real him, and it carried-on until Freshman year in the University of Asia and the Pacific. However, we were not on the same page with regards to our level of 'Friendship'. I knew I wasn't ready then for a serious relationship. All I could offer was friendship. After almost 3 years of patiently courting me on and off, friendship just wasn't enough for him (Grabe sama ko noh!?) He decided to let go and move on, so ofcourse I let him. And so we lived to do our own thing separately without communication. Awww! :(

"You don't know what you got 'til it's gone"...

Ours was a classic case...well, at least for me. It was hard for me then to accept that I fell for this guy. I knew I held my feelings back. I wasn't being honest to myself, but I believe I was just being fair because I was afraid and knew I was confused. Fortunately, as fate would have its way, God had to send little Mr. Cupid in the persona of Ronald Chan to bridge our communication gap (yes! special mention. haha!). He urged Moch to text me and find out how I was. I politely replied, and so the friendship revived through text after more than a year of communication lull. (Thank God for text messaging! hehe). That's when I realized that I super missed this guy. It dawned to me that I almost let this one get away! In short, God gave me a chance to correct my mistake. He gave 'Us' another chance.

"Love is sweeter the 2nd time around..."

Valentine's was just around the corner after we started communicating again. Ayan na! He bravely took another chance with me. After maturing and finally coming to terms with my feelings, I accepted a romantic doube-date Valentine's dinner in Tagayatay. Oh diba, ang sarap magpakatotoo! And so we started going out again.

March 22, 2003...

This was the day my heart said 'Yes' to Moch even before he asked me to be his girl. :)

I couldn't hide the fact that God wanted us to be together. I knew we had his blessing. I believe Moch is my soulmate. He is God-given. Who am I to decline? I already did once, twice. Ang sarap mauntog! Hahaha! :D

There were a lot of humps along the way especially in our 1st year, but I'm glad we've surpassed them. So far, from our 6 years of being together, I could say that we've been through a lot. Nandyan na ang selos, petty fights, impatience, accidents, vices, sickness, different view points and interests that you argue about...you name it. But ofcourse those were all overshadowed by the love, care, thoughtfulness, patience, understanding, compromise, time, support, dreams and prayers we've showered into our relationship. And I believe we've extended that to our respective families and friends. At this point, we're still continuing to grow and learn from each other. It has been a wonderful journey and we're truly blessed.

The planned proposal (that I spoiled!)...

It's not really a surprise anymore that we are going to get married. A lot of our close friends knew it was bound to happen. It was really just a matter of 'When?' He actually asked me if I wanted to marry him July of 2008 (take note, asked, not proposed. hehe) Since Moch's late father, Tito Art, was diagnosed with cancer last year, Moch wanted his father to be present when his eldest son gets married (ofcourse, so do I). They were in Guangzhou then treating Tito Art's cancer when Moch called me through Skype. He told me that his dad might not make it to our wedding next year (we promised each other we would like to get married in 2010 but nothing definite yet), so he asked me if I wanted to get married as soon as possible. I had to decline. It's not me being selfish or anything, but my eldest brother and my now sister-in-law were already preparing for their wedding that December. I just couldn't take that away from them and get ahead of them. Plus, my family and I weren't really prepared. Ofcourse Moch understood, but I told him to ask me again after my brother's wedding in December 30, 2008.

Not long after (this was January 2009), Moch kept telling me he wanted to go on a vacation in Boracay on our 6th anniversary, just the two of us. Suddenly I remembered what I told him last July to 'ask me again'. So I thought, 'Is he planning to propose in Boracay?' but I brushed it aside. I didn't want to expect.

Then the spoiler!

I confirmed my initial hunch. I found out there was a proposal in the making, and it was going to happen soon! I read his text messages to and from his cousin regarding engagement rings. Pano kasi he left his cellphone with me. I don't usually check his messages but an unusual voice inside my head (aka curiosity) told me to read his messages. The messages that caught me were all about diamond rings and diamond cuts, and how he wanted to remodel his mom's heirloom jewelry ring. So I just put the pieces of the puzzle together -- Boracay + 6th anniversary + diamond ring = marriage proposal! :D Hahahaha! The moment I found out I just couldn't hide my excitement! (Moch really can't keep secrets from me!) Without thinking, I eventually told him I already knew about his plans. So he decided to change the Boracay proposal and go for Plan B. (Shucks! Sayang ang Boracay proposal I later realized!). There wasn't really any Plan B. Now he was pressured to think of how to surprise me. His challenge was to pop the question the least day and place I would expect.

The actual proposal...

Without any suspense...on Friday, February 20, 2009, past the hour of 8 in the evening, he proposed in my office, particularly infront of the elevators of 8/f Jollibee Centre, of all places! Hahaha! Oh diba, least place I would expect talaga! He first surprised me with a bouquet of beautiful flowers (I thought he was just making-up for being 2 hours late!!! My hands were already shaking from hunger). He gave me the flowers, then suddenly he knelt on his right knee, took out a box and opened it...Wow! I was awe-stricken. My hunger pangs went away.

Inside the box was a beautiful two-toned .9 carat round-cut diamond ring, size 5. ;)

"Will you marry me?"

Without hesitation (duh!), I said "Yes!".

He took the ring from the box, reached for my left hand and wore it on my ring finger. Perfect fit.

"Ito na pala yun!", I said laughing while teary-eyed. I got him up and just hugged him as tears flowed down my eyes.

It was a feeling I've never felt before. I was ecstatic like I was floating, and I just kept staring at the ring. I felt like I was transported to wonderland and didn't mind that we were in an old, unromantic office building.

I thought to myself, "Wow! I'm engaged. I'm getting married to my one true love, my soulmate. Wow!" It was a walk in the clouds.

It was beautiful. Pure bliss.

*Shared by the Bride. September 2009.

To God Be the Glory

2009-09-25T10:05:00.002+08:00

The world doesn't stop. If you do, you'll be left behind.
So do you follow the world?
Let the world follow your lead.
But will the world follow?
Do what you can. Do what you must. Do it not for yourself.
Do it for the greater glory of God. +

On Getting Married...

2009-07-30T09:46:00.003+08:00

Can’t wait for 2010 to come! Just want to breeze through this year. Excited more than nervous.

I love it! :)

5 months elapsed. 8 more to go!

Left Behind

2008-11-18T21:12:00.001+08:00

Am I the only one that’s left behind?
Still lurking in the shadows
Without grace
Without soul
Only discontentment
Efforts left void.

Am I an asset or futile?
When will I be heard?
When will I be seen?
When will my moment come?
I’ve been waiting patiently
For time to pass.

Questions lingering
Hope remains
In this wretched façade
Eager to uncover
The insecurity remains…
Will I ever get to that point?
Or, will I remain left behind?

No Secrets in Love

2008-11-14T10:17:00.001+08:00

There is no secret formula for love. A successful relationship is not measured by its length but by its depth. You work things out. Sometimes you compromise, and oftentimes you just give in. You can get what you want but you can also loose yourself. You can fall in and out of love. It’s a constant change and beguiling of the heart. You must gratify and be satisfied. It’s reality and everyday is a discovery. It’s a learning process that you go through. It’s a tough challenge mentally, physically and emotionally. It’s open to all, but not everyone is ready to influence and be transformed.

Domestic Mayhem

2008-11-05T10:39:00.012+08:00

Who wants domestic dispute?

Probably nobody.

But when we’re at this point, what is worth fighting over family ties?

Let me see...

Respect?
Value of a person?
Individual needs?

Every family member has different points of view, approaches, styles, needs and interests. Each individual needs to be heard. The leader needs to, not only be in charge, but also guide and be open-minded. The same goes to everyone else. Members are at liberty to listen, to ask and to know. Opinions need be considered and deliberated, and not just discounted without noteworthy justification. It’s not that there is no trust. But you cannot leave a person in the dark that is very much involved in the matter as a member of the family. It matters to understand to avoid disagreement. Don’t you think so?

Ultimately, everyone’s goal is for the well being not just for oneself, but also of the kin. However, to get to the goal everything needs to be put in place. Set objectives, boundaries, priorities, agreements and tasks because, as what was said, each member of the family is different. It’s the responsible thing to do.

What about emotions?

Emotions come naturally. But it needs to be tempered. It would be very hard to manage but be vigilant about it.

Issues and concerns need to be resolved. I would say being emotional about it is healthy at a certain height. There should be room for it. What’s terrible is when members become apathetic about it because then they just give up disinterested without working for or fighting for a resolution. They become insincere and ineffective. What then is the point?

But then again, what do I really know? It’s just my view, outside looking in.

I am helpless but hopeful.

I believe family ties are valuable. But the family can only thrive and function fittingly taking into account respect and value of each person and his individual needs. Only then should the family make up its collective and common goal.

The Legacy of an Idiosyncratic World

2008-11-04T17:31:00.005+08:00

Don't you find it strange?
How many look but don't see
Hear but don't listen
Speak but don't communicate
Study but don't learn
Love but don't commit
Exist but don't live.

It's a world of peculiarities
Of fears and risks
Full of possibilities
Changing and hopeful
Sometimes trapped
In the abyss of solitude
Confusion and desolation.

Others give in
Others give up
But there are those
Who still fight
Struggle and persist
Everything they have
Everything they are.

They are triumphant
Not to see the end
Nor even cherish the fruits
But one who has left
To the children of the future
Victory valued on account
A legacy worth living...
And worth dying for.

I Want! but...Am Not!

2008-10-28T16:52:00.005+08:00

Going culinary in the kitchen ala chef.

Shooting for the stars writing a book or a column.

An entrepreneur queen-bee of 'donotknowwhatyet'.

Traveling cultural adventures around the world.

Smart, rich, sexy and beautiful all rolled into one.

A girl can dream. It's possible.

The Craze

2008-10-10T10:28:00.004+08:00

What is everyone crazy about these days?

CITISECONLINE!!!

Sheesh! Hahaha! :D

The highs and lows of the Philippine Stock Market... It's a hit because it gives YOU buying power! It has become an obsession as far as my friends at work are concerned. I wonder when I'll be joining the craze. Hmmm... I need mula! I want Jollibee stocks! Soon!

Happy buying to my friends! :)

Lost Souls

2008-10-08T07:24:00.003+08:00

Lost boy, what do you want?
Lost child, what can you say?
Lost soul, where are you?
Where are you coming from?

What do you want?
I seek to understand.
What can you say?
I'm here to listen.
Where are you?
I am here, waiting.

There's so much trouble in this world.
Choose your battles well.
You cannot win them all.
Acclaim victory to none but this.

Do not give in.
Do not give up.
Apathy is creeping.
Do not let it succeed.
Let your troubles be not left in vain.

Fight.
Struggle.
You win some.
Fight.
Struggle.
You lose some.

Fight for what's yours.
Fight for your principles.
Fight for love.
Fight for what is right.

It is a challenge.
It will not come easy.
As you pass through the fire
Then shall you see with clarity.

So now tell me...

Lost boy, what do you want?
Lost child, what can you say?
Lost soul, where are you?
Where are you coming from?

I Hate Break-ups

2008-10-02T18:18:00.004+08:00

Impassive expression.

Empty promises.

False hope.

Cyclical error.

Abused compassion.

Neglected virtue.

Meaningless words.

Confused thoughts.

Broken hearts.

Lost soul.

Love destruction.

Faults realized.

Biased accord.

Motionless decree.

Tumultuous peace.

Drifted apart.

Uncontainable emotions

Undeniable truth.

Vague conditions.

Shattered dreams.

Half-dead spirit.

I hate break-ups!

images: www.salecatcher.com and sweetnostalgia.wordpress.com

Guangzhou Experience

2008-09-23T19:14:00.009+08:00

I will enumerate, in no particular order, the things I did in Guangzhou China that I’ve never experienced back home in Manila:

Travel alone via plane to and from Guangzhou (or anywhere for that matter).
Lodge in a hospital for 5 days.
Sleep in a hospital bed for 5 nights.
Spend my 25^th birthday (I’ll never be 25 again on my other birthdays to come, right?).
I got to see a live polar bear!
I got to see an elephant play soccer, bow, sit and do a headstand.
I got to see the largest safari park in China (with 333 hectares of land) and all the other animals I got to see for the 1^st time.
I got to bring my own grocery cart in the grocery store.
I got to pack my own grocery (w/o plastic bags) in the grocery cart.
I got to pull my own grocery cart from the grocery back to the hospital.
Heard mass surrounded by Chinese and Nigerian.
Sharing a table with a stranger to eat at a restaurant.
Ride an ambulance (from the airport to the hospital).
The hand & foot spa service of a Chinese.
People staring at me because I speak alien to them. Hehehe!
Going to Guangzhou’s entertainment place – by the Pearl River. A night of dancing, tai chi, badminton, juggling, biking, roller skating, jogging, dog-walking, etc.

Things I did in Guangzhou I wish I’d do back home:

Walk! Walk! Walk…and more walking!
Take the subway to go around the city (MRT & LRT for Manila).
Get to admire the lighted skyscrapers at night.

Things in Guangzhou that reminded me of Manila:

Shopping! Shopping! Shopping…and more shopping in Divisoria-like and Greenhills-like shopping centers.
Tea, dumplings and chopsticks.
Hand & foot spa service.
Chinatown – the food, the smell, the place, the people.
The Pearl River reminded me of Pasig River and Baywalk combined.
The Almeda’s.

This is my 5-day Guangzhou experience. Personal, unique and unforgettable.

Finding Myself In Me

2008-09-19T17:53:00.003+08:00

We are all uniquely messed up. I have families and close friends burdened with the loss of a loved one, lovers breaking-up, familial and financial problems here and there, personal and work issues troubling, even soul-searching and finding one’s purpose becomes more apparent than usual.

This so-called quarter life crisis is really bugging. Now I begin to see and experience for myself the complexities we get ourselves into. The world is testing my character. All those experiences I have gone through in the past suddenly make sense…suddenly gains meaning and value in my life.

After college and getting into a stable job…I prep myself to the next level. Then suddenly, without warning, I’m living in the next level. It scares me sometimes how the responsibilities are passed down to me, and how decision-making can most of the time be instantaneous, that no matter how hard I try to plan and budget, not everything is in the palm of my hands to control. But the funny thing is, in the end, it will all work out, not just the way I expected it to be.

Everything is a balance. True, but easier said than done. Imagine, juggling your time for family, work, friends, spirituality, fitness, entertainment, and what not. Sometimes it’s just too much and it becomes really exhausting that you just want a timeout to sit back and relax. Even that you have to have time for. I think people who have this kind of lifestyle just want more out of life to the point that they want to try everything there is. The bottom line is we are searching for that something that can fill us. We are searching for that something or someone that makes us feel alive.

And sometimes we forget our purpose and meaning because we want to get to that point quickly. We want to get ahead of others that in the process we don’t realize we got ourselves into the rat race. And what we thought was a short cut suddenly became an endless cycle of temporal value, where our “yes” becomes automatic and time is of relevance to how we live our lives. We just continue to want and swallow what we think we can handle. As we live in this kind of cycle, our web continues to grow. Our reach of the world can be found in one tube as we find ourselves living in globalization.

Back to the basics – I miss the experience of having to go through the whole process from beginning to end; I would want to experience living in the moment rather than immediate result or output (although this is subjective). There are just things that cannot be fast-forwarded – like experiencing and living life right here, right now even though at the moment we are at our worst. The beauty of it all is in the journey of life – the bits and pieces of stories behind the book cover.

No matter how messed up we seem to be, we just have to continue to strive to be better than our best. It’s in our nature after all. We have to continue to plan and budget, to work and relax, to enjoy and struggle. We have to make the most of what we have and sometimes more. The more we put ourselves out there, the more we discover not only the world, but also ourselves. We are who we are, and we become what we do – the choices that we make. So just live and be alive for yourself and the people around you because you will not find yourself in others. You will find yourself within you. You are what makes you alive.

Humdrum Moments

2008-08-20T14:30:00.006+08:00

Humdrum moments get me thinking…

Should I stay or should I go? The logical thing to do is stay. But the heart says, “Go, escape, be free!”

But then what?

Then my question is left hanging. My idea remains to be just a thought…a foolish one at that.

But the soul is searching. I want more out of life. I want to be fulfilled with my day job. I want it to be meaningful. I want it to make sense. I want it not just to be about money.

But the money factor is most of the time (if not always) tempting.

I know many share this dilemma. But what can we really do about it? Can we sacrifice the money factor in a materialistic 3^rd world and still do what we love?

Another question is…do you really know what your passion is or
where it lies?

What is it all about?

Then I remember a line from a prayer…”Stretch me, Lord, I will not limit Your gifts by my perceptions of what I can handle.”

So I sit quietly and pray to the Holy Spirit.

Suddenly, my mind is awakened. I don’t know all the answers to my questions nor know what it is really all about. But I know this…

I know I have an unrevealed purpose in life, and that I must continue to search endlessly…beyond the ends of the earth. I know there is something greater than life here on earth. And yes I believe in life after death.

So all these humdrum moments are just reminders that everyday is a constant struggle…everyday is a journey…everyday is a battle. It is not everyday that the whole universe conspires to break you…because it can also make you. Actually, it is you who decides if the world will work for you or not. The opportunities are out there and it is our choice to take it.

And so I mark this day - 20^thof August, year 2008 exactly 2:22 in the afternoon, the battle won against humdrum moments.

*image taken from www.thefreedictionary.com

The Battle Won

2008-07-01T00:29:00.009+08:00

I am late by a minute

To work hours and hours

As each day passes

Turned into months

Since you’ve been gone.

Oh how time flies

In this agonizing phase

Of waiting and wondering

Tell me

When will you be home?

I’ve been staring into oblivion

Wishing, hoping

That I could be with you

That I could share in your joy

And in your pain.

I know it’s been very hard

To put up this façade

To be away from home

To feel helpless

To see your love one suffer.

But you remain dedicated

Strong and unwavering

Full of hope

Living by faith

As you surrender all your fears unto Him.

You will hear no qualms

Only encouragement

So do not worry

It’s not always about me

For I will be patient.

I am one with you in this

I have seen for myself

My prayers are committed

To the healing

Of mind, body and spirit.

Man has endured well

As he fights the good fight

This battle has already been won

For him

By Him.

He will let you see

He will let you feel

His goodness

His greatness

His love.

He will reveal

And you will understand

You will believe

You will accept

His will be done.

In Memoriam

2008-06-17T12:05:00.005+08:00

Stare into space, stare into nothingness.

Gaze into my eyes, straight and deep.

Look into me, search for my soul.

Find meaning in my eyes, find me if you can.

I’m drowning in sorrow, blurred in these tears.

I have lost a piece of me when I lost you.

The morning-after has come.

The sun has risen but it was overshadowed.

Dark days of pouring rain…cold and gloomy nights…crying in the shadows.

Better days will come...

But for now let me mourn a great loss.

You will always be appreciated, loved and remembered.

r.i.p. jp (6.13.08)
for you pangit! i'm here for you.

Missing.Waiting.Yearning.

2008-06-12T11:26:00.004+08:00

So far so good…

So far I can take it…

So far I can manage…

So far I’ve been missing you a whole lot!

I can’t wait to see you…

Can’t wait to be close to you…

Can’t wait to hold your hand…

I just can’t wait.

No more waiting…

I’m coming…

I’m going…

I’ll be there!

Come for me …

Look for me in that crowded hall…

Look for that familiar face…

Never taking your eyes off of that teary-eyed girl with an earnest smile.

Take me with open arms…

Shower me with warm butterfly kisses…

Hand in hand, step by step…

We will journey this foreign city.

I know this feeling…

I know this heartbeat…

I’ll remember this moment…

Elated once more.

We will celebrate our momentary reunion…

We will drink to our quarter-life…

We will offer enduring support and affection…

And we will part satisfied and yearning for more.

25 Ways Anne Sees Mela…

2008-06-07T08:13:00.007+08:00

I look at you and I see our childhood days…the girl I constantly exchanged letters with…my 24/7…my Romy and Michelle.
I look at you and I see Tito Caesar…tall and brilliant. :)
I look at you and I see friendship and sisterhood.
I look at you and I see home and comfort.
I look at you and I see wisdom.
I look at you and I see hard work.
I look at you and I see depth.
I look at you and I see a picture of hope.
I look at you and I see honesty.
I look at you and I see a responsible leader…a role model.
I look at you and I see my angel heaven-sent.
I look at you and I see a blessing.
I look at you and I see pure heart…a woman for others.
I look at you and I see a girl searching for herself…challenging her limits …striving for perfection.
I look at you and I see a lady with style, grace, elegance and passion.
I look at you and I see values, principles and idealism.
I look at you and I see love and compassion.
I look at you and I see trust.
I look at you and I see forgiveness and understanding.
I look at you and I see beautiful.
I look at you and I see spirited life…feisty, strong-willed and adventurous.
I look at you and I see happiness…even in the smallest and simplest of things.
I look at you and I see extraordinary…cream of the crop!
I look at you and I see my Maid of Honor!
I look at you and I see a girl who just turned 25!

Just sharing this piece I wrote for my best friend's 25th (06.05.08). And tonight...we are going to party hard!

xoxo

Star Highway

2008-05-09T14:56:00.003+08:00

Take me for a ride

Down the stretch of the highway

A road to nowhere

Where adventure awaits

Possibilities endless.

Surrounded with greens and browns,

Blues and whites

A delightful journey

I'd gladly take with you.

*While traversing Star Highway in Batangas to San Juan :)

1st Quarter

2008-03-19T10:01:00.001+08:00

After the holiday season, my world has been wrapped-up around work. My energy has been consumed in this whirlwind of projects and tasks. No time to vent. I just took it all in…swallowed hard…dealt with it. Good for me, I guess. So much has happened…a lot of things evaded. I cannot recount anymore. It all happened so fast like a gush of wind blowing east to west and then still. Still I need to be for this week. Then we resume once more the following week until I cannot take it any longer. I want my life back…or has it come to this?

Beautiful Mornings

2007-10-04T07:32:00.000+08:00

Beautiful Mornings are hassle-free mornings. Free from traffic stress…free from pestering words…free from brutal force and ignorant deeds…but not withstanding life’s challenges rather welcoming them and turning them into positive energy.

Beautiful Mornings are thoughtful and polite “Good Morning!” from loved ones and whom you pass by. Where morning dew is not just from a scent of cologne…where driving is pleasurable…where coffee makes you awake more than ever…where writing becomes casual thoughts of appreciation.

“Your thankfulness is your seal of approval upon My glad gifts to you!”

-A line from Good Morning...GOD

Practice the Pause

2007-09-13T16:32:00.000+08:00

I want to give in but I know I have to hold on…a ‘lil longer…whatever it takes.

We are all struggling spirits…we are not perfect…but we’re trying our very best.

Sigh!

We are all tired.

I miss happy thoughts.

And after letting out all of our honest emotions, we are reminded to practice the pause…

Practice the pause

When in doubt, practice the pause.

When angry, practice the pause.

When tired, practice the pause.

When stressed, practice the pause.

Breathe…

Clear the mind…

View from a different perspective…

Smile…

Laugh…

Sleep…

Dream…

Breathe…

Even your heart needs rest.

*Got this from a forwarded text message by a friend.

Looking Forward

2007-09-07T17:35:00.000+08:00

I’m bombarded with strong and hurtful words. But I permit it because I know she has to have an outlet and I want it to be me and to no one else...because I can take it after years of knowing her. She’s my self-proclaimed sister after all...my irreplaceable and God-sent sister. I permit it because I deserve it. I bombarded her with my embarrassing and obtuse actions to begin with. But why did I hurt her if I value our relationship this much? It wasn’t deliberate, but that’s another story to tell.

But still she puts her mind into it. She puts sense into my dim-witted blind spots. She’s extremely hurt but forgiving. Makes me all the more worse about myself when I recall my stupidity and lack of a better judgment. She handles it with dignity. I admire her for that.

Taking full responsibility for my actions...blaming no one...not even him. No point dwelling in the past but I have learned a great deal. It’s time to look forward for the chance to try again...to prove my worth and my sincerity. I’m smarter this time...no more blind spots about the issue. I can now play the role with greater understanding of its meaning...appreciating its value...and knowing its depth.

I am very hopeful but also very scared. She gives me pieces of her confidence...slowly but surely. And I continue praying not just for me but for my dearest friends as well...for all of us...for we are all in this together. We are our people. We support each other. That’s the way it should have been...should be...and will ever be.

The Many Faces of Hope

2007-09-07T13:10:00.001+08:00

Do you know what the face of hope looks like?

Hope has many faces.

Though I can’t describe them in words for they are far too many for me to dwell on, I look at these images and I see hope...

I rest my hope with my faith in God…that in His time things will be revealed to me.

Right now, I have to forgive myself…for me. I have to look forward. I cannot dwell with what might have been. I have to accept this and rise from it though I carry a heavy heart. I must. And I’ll keep telling this to myself. But this load…He will carry for me because I am weak and lost without Him. And so I turn to Him.

But all of the atonements have been dealt with painstakingly before I have decided to pardon my faults.

I am a face of hope.

*images taken from:
www.worldofstock.com/closeups/
www.avidami.wordpress.com
www.ourownvoice.com

Letting It Out

2007-09-06T10:13:00.000+08:00

It’s quite busy at work right now. I keep my silence but my mind is screaming, my heart wants to burst. It really hurts. I want to breakdown right here, right now…but they wouldn’t understand…it’s a personal issue that I shouldn’t be bringing with me to work. And so I write just to let it all out. Tears keep falling but I’m trying to regain composure. It’s really hard to pretend but they do not notice. It’s better this way.

Listening to my iPod trying to block-off the thoughts of what transpired to last night’s mourning and what was on the mind of a very aggrieved friend. And I carry this burden because I am not sure if I am the only one who shares her pain to those of us who know the whole story and the two or many sides of it all…I hope not. I do not want to make excuses anymore or analyze and reason out my confusion and my actions at that time, because it won’t make the situation any better…it won’t make my mistakes seem reasonable…she won’t accept it…I do not accept it either. At the very end of it all I know I did wrong no matter how they or I try to make it seem…I did wrong no matter how things actually did happen. Just no more excuses and just accept fault. I am sorry, ashamed, and stupid for doing what I did or did not do.

Why is this happening? Why does it have to be her? Why me? Why? Why? Why?

So many thoughts racing through my mind right now and it confuses and hurts me all the more. I need a breather. I need a quiet time to think, to be still…so I can hear Him clearly.

Still hopeful. Praying really hard for it.

Lessons Learned

2007-09-05T09:08:00.000+08:00

We live with expectations. No question about that.

Our expectations are based on the trust we have established.

These trusts aren’t only words or thoughts made up. It is with faith, honor, respect, value, consideration, hope and love.

So what happens when our expectations are not met?

What happens when our expectations on that trust bend?

All that talk about honor, respect, value, consideration, hope and love goes down the drain.

We are left with broken hearts.

We are left with utter confusion.

We are left with the question why?

We are left jaded with explanations that lead to the tragic experience.

We are left with hard realizations.

We are left with extreme remorse.

Lessons learned.

But there is no quick fix to healing wounds.

Trying to repair the damage done through rebuilding of trust. Giving it freedom of time.

So again…living with expectations…can’t really control that…because I am hopeful.

Our Greatness is a Silent Cry of Victory

2007-08-29T10:04:00.000+08:00

Our journey seems like forever… as our search for answers and truth to many questions never ends… surmountable like the vast and deep oceans. Nothing in this world will ever satiate our hearts and minds burning with vigor. So let us be – free as a flying bird… free as a woman shaving her head… free as if no one is watching; wild with imagination; creative expressions in manner of words... thoughts... ideas... shapes... fashion… movement… captured moments… painted realities... dreams... and understanding; discovering the unknown; passionate with our heart’s desires. We must never be satisfied because man has yet to discover his full potential… because we must prepare ourselves… because we must toil to endure and rise from all sorts of storm in our lives. We must never be satisfied from the mediocrity man has established. We must never be afraid to breakaway from stereotypes, rather recognize that we must toil, endure and rise because we are all destined for greatness. Though the magnitude of our wonderful beings may not be acclaimed by our fellow man because we will not find our satisfaction and sense of fulfillment in him. More often than not, our greatness is a silent cry of victory that only He hears… sees… understands, but then we are content.

What We Have

2007-08-24T13:16:00.000+08:00

What we have…it’s not about who’s right or who’s wrong. ‘Coz somewhere along the way…during our misunderstandings and disparate views, we hurt each other more than we think. Yes, we hurt the ones we love and we are hurt more by people we love…sometimes by carelessness or by the desire of perfection.

What we have…it’s about acknowledging our mistakes. It’s about humbling our pride and ego. It’s about saying I’m sorry so we can kiss and make up…and say ‘I love you’. It’s about the feeling of rebirth, new beginnings, that 2^nd or 3^rd or 4^th or 5^th chance of renewed promises and restored dreams…that for a moment we thought we’ve lost, broken in bleak darkness.

What we have…it’s what we have fought for. It’s what we have built strong from its very base…the roots that have seeped deeper and deeper that they may never break us apart. Only we have the power to do so.

Where shall we rest that power? To Him do we entrust everything. What we have…it is Him.

What we have…it is love. Our packages that we have brought together…that which we have laid upon ourselves.

What we have…we are the masters of it. We are the author of our story…the actors in our story.

What we have…it is you and I.

Sun is Shining...Weather is Sweet...Yeah!

2007-08-16T04:19:00.000+08:00

…the following day, I wake up to an alarming sound…my phone alarm that says 5:45AM.

To wake or to sleep? That is the question…

I snoozed the alarm and decided to lay and close my eyes for mere 5 minutes. Ok, good.

…all dressed up…ready for the world…the melancholic weather…fast cars…annoying jeepnies…bad traffic! I thought to myself, “Late nanaman ako”! Hehehe.

…surprisingly, the world was half asleep…the weather looking fine (so far)…fast cars indeed…annoying jeepnies still…very light traffic (no school)…wow!

It was a blissful ride while listening to the local radio…Magic 89.9…I’m an avid listener to their morning show.

And the song by Bob Marley just came over me…as I sing…

“Sun is shining, the weather is sweet, yeah

Make you wanna move your dancing feet now

To the rescue here I am

Want you to know, ya’ll, can you understand?”

…and now I sit on my office chair…sip my coffee…look out the window…

hmmm…no sign of rain yet…so I hum to the tune of the song once more…

Wake up Manila! The sun is shining...the weather is sweet...yeah!

Our Guarantee

2007-08-14T12:17:00.001+08:00

We muse a great deal to what is worldly… impart sense to earthly desires. Because depositing efforts to the ideals are just too much to handle…as if unreachable by our mere essence. But this is refuted that our mere essence are indispensable for our value that we are created in His image and likeness. Knowing this gives me a great deal of respect…that indeed impossible to Him is nothing…that we must put our faith in Him…winning our battles for us…guaranteed!

What Equals 100% in Life?

2007-08-09T17:10:00.000+08:00

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help answer the question:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

If:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And:

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But:

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

THEN, look how far the love of God will take you:

L-O-V-E-O-F-G-O-D

12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:

While Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will
get you there, It's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

*Got this from a forwarded E-mail with subject: Beauty of Math

The Vicenarian Song

2007-08-03T09:08:00.000+08:00

After years of expensive education,
a car full of books and anticipation,
I’m an expert on Shakespeare and that’s a hell of a lot
but the world don't need scholars as much as I thought.

Maybe I'll go travelling for a year,
finding myself or start a career.
I could work for the poor though I’m hungry for fame
we all seem so different but we're just the same.

Maybe I'll go to the gym, so I don't get fat,
aren't things more easy with a tight six pack?
Who knows the answers? Who do you trust?
I can't even separate love from lust.

Maybe I’ll move back home and pay off my loans,
working nine to five answering phones.
Don't make me live for my friday nights,
drinking eight pints and getting in fights.

I don't want to get up, just let me lie in,
leave me alone, I'm a twenty something.

Maybe I'll just fall in love that could solve it all,
philosophers say that that’s enough,
there surely must be more. Ooooh

Love ain’t the answer nor is work,
the truth eludes me so much it hurts.
But I’m still having fun and I guess that's the key,
I'm a twenty something and I'll keep being me.

doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah

I’m a twenty something.
Let me lie in, Leave me alone.
I’m a twenty something.

doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah
doh dah duh dah, do duh dah dah dah

Twentysomething written & sung by Jamie Cullum

Work On You

2007-07-25T23:40:00.000+08:00

Start working on you to get what you want, instead of working on getting what you want to become you.

The Arrogant & The Prideful

2007-07-25T11:04:00.000+08:00

How do you see an arrogant and prideful man?

Ignorant and exuberant for their naiveté. They do not see the whole picture. But He said not to be indignant nor crush their eagerness but we should find ways to empower them and channel their energy into something useful and good. For we are His vessels, His soldiers.

Soulfood for my struggling spirit.

Thanks to the Good News Reflection for today…The Treasure Within.

What's Your Problem?

2007-07-24T13:49:00.000+08:00

I’ve just realized that when you put your heart into something, you become more effective. Hence, you get to accomplish things that will help you get closer to that something.

Stop looking for loopholes and just concentrate on what needs to be done. The solution lies in the problem. Instead of blaming others, own the problem and you will find the solution within yourself. Period.

More Than Meets The Eye

2007-07-21T22:10:00.000+08:00

We live in the same world living our own lives. To identify things, sometimes it is easier for us to brand things. This is also extended to people. To know our identity we join a group to better express who we are. Then we are classified, branded, stereotyped. Sometimes other people outside that faction see us as a representation of a certain class. Just like in highschool. There are the geeks, the jocks, the pop kids, the cheerleaders, the artists, the gothic, the writers, the bookworm, the conservatives, the indifferent, the nature lover and many more character types. Sometimes we are overpowered by the group’s character and the downside is we lose our individuality to the group.

I don’t want to be typecast to any particular group because I’m one and each of them in some ways or another.

Frustrated.

2007-07-20T00:06:00.000+08:00

Frustrations are dreadful…for making you feel powerless. To avoid external conflict, we mum and we end up annoyed at ourselves. We concede to the status quo and sometimes to the sub-standard decisions as cover-up. Doomed…from the beginning ‘til the end.

No Other You

2007-07-19T12:08:00.000+08:00

I did not give you my sweet ‘yes’ because you gave me the ‘moon and the stars’ where every step I took you trailed and that everything I said you made happen like a blind follower. And I never knew that you are what I wanted all along until you revealed to me who you really are as a person...no masks, no pretenses...simply you. I have grown fond of you and everytime the fire just keeps on burning. I opened my heart to you because I saw you underneath your skin…underneath it all. And I know that there is no other you...never will be. You are God-given...my God-sent.

Lifetime Memories & Feelings of the Inevitable Change

2007-07-18T14:24:00.000+08:00

I know we don’t have forever…we don’t have all day…we don’t even have a minute. Every second counts. And I will hold on to that moment…remembering…always. Our memories will last a lifetime while feelings won’t…that is for certain. So thank me or forgive me for holding you tightly…for being overly protective…for loving you the way I do. Crashing cars, burning houses, breaking windows, aching hearts…anything can happen. Nothing is constant but change itself…inevitable. Now is our chance. Today is an opportunity. One step will make a difference. Live today…live this moment. Take one move…or forever hold your peace.

Oven Toaster

2007-07-11T19:48:00.000+08:00

Mel Ongsue said something like this...

...men are like toasters. they easily heat up then easily cool down. while women are like the oven. it takes time to heat up and takes long to cool down...

Transalation?

Women, beware of toasters...make sure they stay heated up in the relationship in the long run.

Enough said

The Downpour Becomes a Blissful Drive

2007-07-11T13:51:00.000+08:00

I love the sudden downpour

as I cruise watchfully along the highway.

Huge drops of acid rain

hitting violently

against my car’s windshield.

Blurry vision of the road

temporarily cleared by the incessant wiper

washing off the dirt on my car.

Then it stops…silence…

As you look up

you see clear skies

and the sun peeking

behind the few clouds

with colors that had formed.

Then it hits me…

the sun’s warmth rays.

I smile

put on my shades

turn up the radio

and step on the gas.

Blissful drive once again.

Love Paradox

2007-07-06T10:37:00.000+08:00

I will keep quiet when you raise your voice.

I will be still when you react violently.

I will crack a joke when you’re irritated.

I will be your rock when you falter or cry

I will hold you in my arms when you reject me.

I will love you during your darkest hours.

For men are boys posing to be men.

For a woman is their weakness whom he draws strength and inspiration.

This is the great paradox of love.

Men, do not be afraid to unmask your weaknesses

Because she has the instinctive care of a mother

...a woman who will show you unconditional love.

Call it martyrdom…

I say it’s selfless love.

Old Habits Die Hard

2007-06-30T15:20:00.000+08:00

Old habits die hard. It’s true. But we just have to try to make a change and start change within ourselves. Cliché? Yes. But it’s the truth. It’s a principle. If we want change we have to look at the inward-outward approach.

I’ve learned a lot through the years especially now that I’m working. I’ve attended a lot of trainings and workshops lately and even talks and sharings – things that contribute to my personal and spiritual beliefs…my paradigms basically that affects my social and professional relationships. It’s tough, but I don’t need to tell you that. You know for yourself. You’re in a tough one, too. But it’s amazing how I try to apply everything that molded me.

I have my shortcomings and I’m glad that I’m aware of some of them and that other people give me feedback. I appreciate that especially when delivered constructively. It humbles me. That means I know what I should work on. By knowing my strengths and weakness I get to know me, who I am and what I can be…or who I want to be.

I’m in this transition period from being way dependent on my parents, elders, teachers & the like to having this little-independence-of-a-ball growing bigger and bigger everyday! It’s good how I’m independent at the same time dependent on others too. You can’t be too much of any of them. We have to be inter-dependent. A balancing act is the best way to strive for. And the best way to demonstrate this is in every aspect of our lives – our personal, spiritual, physical and social life (or anyway you may want call it). That means more responsibilities as well because we have to manage all those, and it’s really tough fitting them in a one-day’s schedule.

And so I pause to check where I am right now and where I’m headed. I take it easy and slowly. Because if I join the rat-race, it may be good that I’m flourishing, say with my career and finances…but what about other relationships? Money is important but our life is not about money. Money does not constitute success, rather a tool for success.

One of the many things I learned with my workshop on the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People is the thing about time management. Time management, as I learned, is not about managing your time...it’s about managing your relationships. We have to know the things that matter most to us then we prioritize that, then everything else follows.

For me, two things: my God and my family. Basically it all boils down to them. Career, money, earthly possessions…I want those too…but that will not be my priority…not at the expense of what’s important for me. But I didn’t say I’m a saint. It’s a work-in-progress. I still do struggle…everyday…for old habits die hard.

I want to leave this passage for you to reflect on. It sure enlightened me. And so I share…

When God wants to make a man He puts him into

some storm. The history of manhood is always

rough and rugged. No man is made until he has

been out into the surge of the storm and found

the sublime fulfillment of the prayer: "O God,

take me, break me, make me.

The beauties of nature come after the storm. The

rugged beauty of the mountain is born in a storm,

and the heroes of life are the storm-swept and

the battle-scarred.

You have been in the storms and swept by the

blasts. Have they left you broken, weary, beaten

in the valley, or have they lifted you to the

sunlit summits of a richer, deeper, more abiding

manhood and womanhood?

(Selected from Streams in the Desert Devotionals)

Orange - the Novel: Pre-Read

2007-06-07T04:55:00.000+08:00

"Love your own."

I got a message from my Friendster...

Date: Wednesday, 6 June, 2007 6:34 AM
Subject: sharing stories
Message: Hi anne!

I see you like love stories. I'd like to share one with you. It's called ORANGE. I wrote it, and I'm promoting it. Check my profile, and if you like it, it'll be great if you help spread word about it as well! Thanks, and just message me; I'll be happy to reply.

- Joey (the author)

I have yet to read the story...but the title - "Orange" - already caught my attention. And as I read the description I knew I was going to like it.

Background/Description:

Orange is a modern day romance novel and social political commentary narrated by the story's two main characters - Archie and Anna.

When derisive and cynical rich kid Archie Tiangson goes to Ilocos for vacation, he meets Anna Raymundo - a feisty and cunning university heartthrob. Sparks fly and tempers flare as both strong and unyielding personalities clash in a contest of wills, challenging each other's deepest principles through a series of social and political critiques. When they break through each other's facades, they discover more about themselves, about each other, and find meaning in a world that once seemed mad, despoiled, and cruel.

Orange is more than a coming-of-age love story. Through intimate accounts by its main characters, the novel mirrors a young nation - flawed and broken in its search for identity - yet ultimately finding hope at a time when many have ceased to dream.

So if you're interested, give this novel a read and support our own. It is accessible online, then hopefully it can be published as a real book. Let's help Joey Silayan promote his story.

Checkout:
Orange's Official website
Orange's Friendster account

Living by Faith and Reason

2007-05-29T16:39:00.000+08:00

The earth is said to be around 4.5 billion years old. Imagine that! So much had happened and yet there is still so much to be seen…so much to be heard…so much to be read…so much to be said...so much to be learned...so much to be understood...so much to live by...et cetera, et cetera.

Thinking about it now, given a day…how can we fit everything in just 24hours? Check that. The right question should be...”how do we want to experience life in just 24hours?” What are those things we value the most that is worth our time?

It’s a difficult question because most of us take a lifetime to realize what we really want...to realize what is worth our time...what is of value to us...while others don’t get their chance at all.

Once we’re in that moment, there’s no more time for planning how to live...you just do. You live spontaneously based on who you are, what you know about yourself and your surroundings. And every second is a decision of faith and reason. Decide...then as if everything will conspire for or against that decision because this is how the balance of nature works.

And so I live by faith...walk by faith. I still decide my own fate...it is my choice. Then it happens. Some things do and some things don’t. The world takes its natural course...and equilibrium takes place so everything is in its place. And this happens over time.

But this is not to be taken as ‘the end’...for we can still do something about it...to improve and make better. For in this world, all of us will get to ‘the end’ at some point. So what is the point? Simply, the end does not justify the means. The value here is our experience and how we enrich our soulful spirits...for the afterlife! We don’t look at it as “what is the point of living by choice if God has already planned our lives for us?” and the like. The world is the end for our earthly lives...the end of our bodies but not our souls.

Awareness & Responsibility

2007-05-25T11:12:00.000+08:00

Recently I learned that we should make ourselves aware and responsible and not allow ourselves to be victimized by our ignorance and negligence. Be open to feedback coz this is how others see us that we don’t...our blind spots - that we cannot see and unaware of. By knowing our blind spots we get to discover more of who we are...our potentials. We work on it and make it grow. So take charge. We already know most of the answers to our questions. It is up to us to discover them. We just have to be aware then take responsibility.

I know this because I took responsibility in knowing and making myself aware of my options and what I can do. The decision is ours.

Love and Relationships

2007-05-18T09:34:00.000+08:00

There is no perfect love because there is no perfect you and me. But we are fortunate because despite of our flaws and differences we can make the relationship work. Love is not just a good feeling. It is not dictated by our emotions...it should not because it can cloud our minds and overshadow us. But if you are consumed by love don’t let your emotions get the best of you.

Love is like a tree that you plant. You take care of it; give it light and water so it’ll grow mighty strong and beautiful and soon you will see the fruits of your labor of love.

Love is felt and relationships are built. So you can love but not be in a relationship. But if you are in a relationship, stay because you love your partner. Being in a relationship is a conscious decision and effort from both parties to make it work and it is a choice to make.

And though there is no perfect you and me, together we might just be the perfect match and we’ll strive for that ideal perfect relationship for our love.

What Is It?

2007-05-17T15:37:00.000+08:00

What is it that keeps us going? What is it that keeps the world go round? What is it that keeps man curious, wanting to explore and discover the mysteries of life? What is it that makes his heart beat? What is it that gives him hope and believe? What is it that sparks his mind with ideas? What is it that makes him do the unbelievable? What is it that hurts him? What is it that makes him love? What is it that makes people love him? What is it that makes people hate him? What is it? What is it? What is it? What is it that makes me think of these questions? Hmmm…

Good Morning Sunshine!

2007-05-11T18:07:00.000+08:00

Good morning sunshine! Hello world! Beautiful mornings make me bright and shiny. Makes my cup of coffee taste a little more sweet and my realm surround with its aroma. Makes my day productive and stimulating. How I wish for sun-shiny mornings all year-round.

How nice it is to wear my shades whenever you’re around. Driving the horizon where I find you ahead of me, beaming and touching my soft-tanned-face, your warmth kissing my nose and cheeks, glaring at my sunglasses.

Though I can’t stare at you, powerful sun up, you give me light, warmth and hope. As I’ve said, you’re the 1^st miracle of the day. But I can gaze at you serene sundown as you bid your rays goodbye, reflection on the waters making a painting-like panorama.

How sweet, how beautiful, how romantic…oh what light and hope you bring to my life. Wishing you forever…good morning sunshine!

Collection of Words

2007-05-10T16:24:00.000+08:00

Collection of words, grouped together in paragraphs (below) with each of their subject. Makes sense to me.

Show me the way and I will follow. Teach me your ways and I will listen. With open heart and open mind I will abide faithfully. I want to be your likened. Let me be. I will be. I am.

Coffee for you the hard worker, the thinker, the gossiper, the sleepy head, the addict.

Framed pictures. Still life. Captured movement of a moment. Open interpretation to every eye that sees. Enhanced by the light, the colors and the lens. Unedited. Raw.

***image1 laura.moncur.org; image2 www.cancerhelp.org.uk; image3 www.kenscoffee.com; image4 www.boggled.us

Just Bored

2007-05-09T16:15:00.000+08:00

Stand up, walk a little, talk a little, make yourself a cup of coffee, stretch a bit, and breathe. Ok good. I’m ready for another boring day at work with no projects, no issues. It’s just me and my laptop staring at one another as I abuse the Internet with surfing and chatting with friends through YM. And oh, can’t I wait ‘til it’s break time to joke around with my officemates as we eat, and until I’m ready to pack up and getaway from here to somewhere more exciting. The outside world! The real world! My kind of place! So thank you Yahoo!, Google, Multiply, Friendster, Blogspot, and you. Yes you! All of you I’ve been recently visiting. And sometimes to the company of Grey’s Anatomy and Smallville! I’m addicted to you! Thank you for keeping me company during my mundane afternoons. So tomorrow, see you again! ;D

Enough is enough.

2007-05-08T14:50:00.000+08:00

When do you know if it’s enough? How do you know if it’s enough?

How can you lose a lover and a friend in one person?

People come and go but you choose the people you want to remain in your life. You can’t choose your family but you can choose whom to love.

So you lost a lover (no strings attached it seems) but chose to remain friends. But where do you draw the line? A lot of people were confused and so were you. Though we cannot define or categorize your relationship, it seemed you loved by faith and by chance. By faith because you are good friends and that faithful bond kept you together. But you thought things could still work out because of that bond and you kept going about in circles but ended up in the same spot...the reason for your breakup. By chance because you weren’t sure where to go from that spot. You were afraid. Oh yes you were. There were a lot of uncertainties and you wouldn’t dare risk what life would bring after your story with him. And so you delayed your story’s ending never closing that chapter.

You love him but dream of a perfect him which is not him. You love her but let her slip. It’s bound to end anywhere and anyway you look at it. But you cling on to hope. Hoping that perhaps, this time…over and over, things will be different. There were so many signs. You kept asking for one and He kept on giving them to you. But you refuse to see, to listen, to realize, to accept and to act. It is over. This time, it really is over. Because this time you lost a friend. Have you lost each other’s respect? I hope not. Have you just grown tired? Yes. But maybe this is what you need. Life apart. So you can grow freely.

It’s been a while since you’ve been wandering in the shades of gray. It’s about time you actually did something about it. You’ve always...always known it. And you kept on saying “I know what I want” and “I know what to do”. But I’m not going to count the years that have passed, nor the times you have circled the same path. Because now, I’m at least glad you have found the fields of freedom...away from the shady woods.

And to the other you, this is for you as well.

What happened happened and they happen for a reason. Wish things could have turned out differently...wish things would turn out ok. Nevertheless, wish happiness for you both. You’ll know when it’s enough. You know it. You’ve tried and have fought well but it’s time to let go. Enough.

My Greatest Risk Is My Greatest Love

2007-05-07T15:48:00.000+08:00

I don’t quite remember how things have come to pass. The picture is fuzzy thinking about it today. But I’m glad I took that chance. I wasn’t 100% sure then. Now I’m sure more than ever, and probably the surest thing I know. I’ve been feeling this way for quite a while now. And that chance was one of the greatest risks I ever took.

Giving my heart to you was my greatest risk. My greatest risk is my greatest love.

I’d like to believe I’ve prepared myself for this. I did some planning, formed expectations and criteria in my head, had a few selections in my pocket. But after all those provisions I made for myself, I wasn’t ready. Then you came unexpectedly. But this was our 2^nd chance. And I wouldn’t allow you to slip once again. I knew He did this for a reason. I knew this was supposed to happen. I knew that was the moment.

I now realized that He had set a better plan for me. Better than what I had planned before you came into my life. He blessed me with so much more…more than expected really. And it still blows me how you continue to surprise me with the littlest things that mean the world to me. Immeasurable, incomparable, priceless, pure love.

I’m just glad that we are able to respond to what He had planned for us. There are a lot of things, temptations and outside forces that could break us. But we’ll get by. You and I, we’ll get by. We will risk it all.

Mundane Afternoon

2007-04-26T15:02:00.000+08:00

hehe! a ym conversation with a friend during one of those mundane afternoons at work...

Anne's Status - mundane afternoon
Danies' Status - Busy

Anne: mundane afternoons make me sick. it reminds me of how boring my gradeschool life was. i was totally a different person then. i ddn't know who i was. i had low self-esteem and was self conscious. somehow it hadn't totally veered away from me. because at this point, i'm at my low. it's not helping me recuperate from my viral infectious colds and sore throat.
Danie: mundane?
Danie: thesaurus pls?
Anne: mundane afternoons remind me how i am not fulfilled with my current career state...if i even have one.
Anne: mundane = boring, common, routinary, etc. etc.
Anne: monotonous
Anne: you know i'm not one of those right? hehehe sorry. wanted to write but wanted it sort of interactive. hehehe
Anne: go ahead with ur busy status and don't mind a soul that is searching for her true meaning.
Danie: u wont be bored in how many days
Danie: hehe
Anne: hehe temporal happiness of boracay. it's like drugs. traveling and partying are mere drugs that you'll never forget with pictures and memories to immortalize those moments. haaaay! bora!
Anne: but once reality sets in. i'm back to mundane afternoons. times when i'm wasting precious moments of searching...
Danie: wow deep... in danie's words....
Danie: "Fun awaits in Bora"!
Anne: fun does not compare to the immortal feeling of happiness and contentment. it's a state of mind. and i want that. idealistic as it sounds. i wish fun were forever. like happiness. and not just mere snippets of a feeling.
Anne: what say you?
BUZZ!!!
Anne: i guess i'm on my own. goodbye. goodbye to sweet conversations.
Anne: (emoticon - sigh)
Danie: what the... bloody hell!
Danie: (emoticon - laughing)
Anne: (emoticon - day dreaming) daydreaming about boracay trying to end this nostalgic feeling
Anne: i hate mundane afternoons. bow.
Danie: finally!
Danie: hahaha

I'm No Rocket Scientist

2007-03-28T10:59:00.000+08:00

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know things. And I'm no rocket scientist. I don’t need to prove things to believe in them. That’s because I have faith. And besides learning from my own experiences, I try to understand from others’ experiences as well.

I don’t have to experience heartbrokenness to give you sound advise on it. My credentials as a person who loved and lost (if there is such) does not matter when it comes to giving sound advise. It should not be a basis for anyone to believe in me or not. Besides, I am not the person concerned here. Do not underestimate a person who loves and never experienced her heart to be broken.

For the record, my heart was broken once. And I know how it is to lose someone you love. And I dealt with it at a young age. I faced it all on my own. Believe me no matter how deep or shallow and how different the love may be it still hurts. I’ve burned letters, threw away memorabilia, averted my eyes to avoid his and all those childish high school stuff. The point is, I’ve been broken. But that does not matter when I’m trying to help a friend cope with her own heartache, does it? Because I believe I was not biased based on my own experience. I based it the way I saw your situation with him and how you are now.

But yes, you may be right that you have to do what you have to do if it will give you your redemption. I told you, it’s still up to you. All I’m giving is a side, an option, another viewpoint hoping you can gain strength from it. But remember, you already know the answer. You just refuse to let it surface on your own, afraid to face reality, hesitant in accepting. You still need to hear it from him because this is your way. Perhaps this is your last attempt to win him back.

Oh! So ok. I guess that is it. That is why you’re being stubborn or (pardon me) stupid, whatever. And who am I to get in the way? How can I stop you when this is your way of coping? Because yes, we all have different ways of coping from heartache.

I just don’t want to see you get hurt again. You’re putting yourself in the middle of the battlefield lowering your defenses. You’re vulnerable right now and who knows what he can do to you! But I’ve realized you’re making a bold move. It’s a very brave thing to do trying to face him with your current state. Because you can breakdown any moment you’re with him.

So tomorrow...good luck. I hope you have enough strength to muster. Even though I think he wouldn’t show, I hope he does so you can get it over with. So you can put an end to your obvious (for me) questions. Whatever the outcome may be, I just wish you happiness. Whatever you’re feeling towards this, just pray I’m wrong. Prove me wrong. Whatever may be, I will always be here.

Happy BIGFAT4!

2007-03-22T08:43:00.000+08:00

I love you!

I love you and I am not just saying it. I am not compelled to say it as a reply because you said it first. These are not just words put together to form a sentence. It is with meaning. These are not just words formed by my thoughts. It is with feeling.

Love is both pain and beautiful. Whatever it is, you have made it wonderful for me. I am blown away by your wonderfully consuming love and I’m heartily about to explode. I will not deny it. I simply cannot.

I find myself staring into space with delight wishing this is forever. I want this…all this with you. This is all nothing without you in it. You have made my ordinary life extraordinary. It is you that happened to me. It is you that made my story interesting.

Stay with me forever. Love me forever. We’re only about to begin. These are just snippets of what is to come. Stay with me…love me…come what may.

I love you today and I’ll love you forever.

Feeling and Human

2007-03-16T09:58:00.000+08:00

Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants to be something. Everyone wants to be great...in their own little or big ways...because we exist. We want to be recognized. We want to be appreciated. And I want this for myself...because I am feeling and I am human.

But our efforts are not always valued in this temporal space. That’s why we try so hard to make noise...to reach out…to be heard...and to be recognized. For we hope that at least one out of the gazillion people in the world can lend an ear...can look our way...can see us as a person. We want that for ourselves...because we are feeling and we are human.

But I don’t need the gazillions of ears of the world. I realized that a pair of ears is enough. One soul is enough for me. Everything that I do, I know I am being heard, recognized and appreciated.

Thank you.

I am the same for you, and I hope that is enough for you as well.

Futsal Dreams

2007-03-14T16:51:00.000+08:00

All eyes are set on me. I grasp for air and try to relax the tension of my body. I take a deep, deep breath and let out a heavy sigh.

I’m a few feet away from the ball ready to pounce on it. I look at the ball – six meters away to victory! But first, it has to pass through this great obstacle. I have to find a way to sweep it past the goalkeeper.

I look at my teammates, my coach, and the supporters…I see them praying, nodding their heads and clenching their fists at me signaling that I can do this. I nod back at them and said a little prayer…

Sweat is forming, trickling down the side of my right temple. I wipe it off and concentrate. I look straight at the sharp eyes of the blocker.

This is it. One on one. One shot. One chance. One moment.

I hear the referee blow his whistle, and I pause…
Then in a split second I take a mighty gasp taking all the air and energy inside me as I aimed a powerful kick at the ball…

Slooow moootiooon…everything is in slow motion…

The ball went flying…rising to the top right corner of the goal…The keeper jumped up stretching her arms trying to reach for it…The tip of her fingers touched it…slightly…

Everyone in silence…

Woosh!

But I guess it wasn’t enough…

Goal!

Pandemonium! The crowd went wild! They roared and cheered victoriously! My teammates rushed at me and gave me the victory ride!!!

“ANNE, WAKE UP!”, I heard someone yell.

Aaaanne, waaake uuup!

I heard it again this time recognizing the person behind the voice…it was my boss!

Shit!

To the Falling Star...

2007-03-13T18:05:00.000+08:00

Stop this drama please! Have a little pride my dear. If you’re going to go ‘gaga’ over someone, make sure you do it to the person who deserves it. Like someone you love and loves you in return. After everything that happened...after everything you’ve been through...wake up! Yes, it’s true. You’re inlove with love. But don’t force love on yourself. Let it come. Let it come. It will surely come at the right time. When you’re ready. He knows it.

Why do you succumb to your weakness? Have a little faith in yourself...love yourself girl! I don’t want to see my girl like this. It’s stupid and it upsets me how you haven’t learned anything from your past experiences or our small significant talks over coffee. It’s still up to you, but use your head and not your heart. Though you thought he was the one, HE IS NOT THE ONE!

Face it my dear. Smell the bittersweet scent of the roses, the colorful yet shady picture of the world you live in. Let go and start fresh. Let go and start fresh. He is NOT your star and he will not surprise you! Bang your head against the wall if you must! (LOL)

You were once a bright shining star everyone saw afar but now you have fallen. Maybe you don’t need to catch your star. Maybe you are the star...a falling star waiting for someone to catch your fall. Whoever is out there for you, I hope he’s a good star-catcher, for you’re a great catch!

Wake Me Up Sunshine!

2007-02-27T16:42:00.000+08:00

Head spinning round and round.

Mind thinking…concentrate.

Thoughts racing, overwhelmed…

Need to fathom in words.

Feet pacing, keep moving!

Heart beating, assurance…

Of a poor hapless soul.

Hand tapping in hollowness.

I maybe alive and breathing but my soul…oh soul! I need to feed you with life.

Faith, Hope & Love are the only things that keep me going…that keep me sane.

I’m losing it, I’m losing it.

Need to keep my head above water.

Everything is shutting down.

Can’t think straight…

Can’t concentrate…

Can’t comprehend…

Can’t move..

Can’t breathe.

I need to be still.

I need to rest.

I need to lay down.

Need to close my eyes.

Breathe in, breathe out…

In…out…

Wake me up until it’s time…the right time.

Wake me up sunshine!

I need for you to touch my face

With your warm bright rays.

I need to remember what’s good.

And sunshine you’re my reminder of hope

For ‘tis another day…the 1^st miracle of my day.

Ignorance & Responsibility

2007-02-25T02:06:00.000+08:00

Ignorance is not an excuse.

We are all responsible for our actions. Whatever we did or said, whatever we have and own we should be responsible for.

As an educated person or rather as an able person, we should know better. I should know better. We should not let other people take advantage of our ignorance. When in doubt never hesitate to ask why. It can save you. Don’t rush into things. Think first...always. Don’t let anyone pressure you on time. Don’t allow yourself to be bullied or intimidated by anyone. You have a choice. Think. Ask.

Shame on those people taking advantage of the weak. You should be punished. I will not allow myself to be taken advantage off the second time around. I have learned my lesson. Thank You for teaching me even though I learned it the hard way. It was tough but You were by my side through people dear to me.

Now I’ll be more careful, be more responsible.

I’d like to think that there is good in all of us, that our intentions are clean, that my judgment on others is based on this unless proven otherwise. Yes, there is good in all of us. But out of desperation and unclear thoughts we do things. We damage others and ourselves. But as I said, as an able person, we should know better. I should know better. Whatever damage done to me, I took part in it, and I am partly to be blamed because I have responsibility with whatever I did or said, whatever I have and own.

Thank You for saving me this time…once again.

Food for Thought

2007-02-21T14:50:00.000+08:00

I walk behind the shadows of the people walking in the light.

Moving in slow motion where everything around me moves fast.

My mind is asleep in the fresh morning.

My mind is awake in the somber night.

I like to listen as you speak.

I like to speak if you would listen please.

I breathe in the smoky air and exhale meaningless words.

I become wise out of confused thoughts.

I turn to His solace but refuse to listen.

Why?

Why can’t I walk with my own shadow?

Why can’t I walk in my own light?

Why can’t I keep up to pace?

Why are we in a hurry?

Why don’t we speak?

Why don’t we listen?

Listen! Speak up!

Breathe. Breathe.

Breathe in the fresh air.

Breathe in the life.

A few words mean so much more than a hundred words that are empty.

For actions speak louder than words.

Crossroads

2007-02-18T13:52:00.000+08:00

I’m at the crossroad with a big question mark over my head. I’m at the point of having to decide what I should do for the rest of my career life. At my age, I can be anything I want, do anything I please, be anywhere I wish. Or not!

The point is, I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. I’m pretty much sure that a lot of people my age or so are at a similar crossroad I’m in. It’s what they call the ‘quarter life crisis’ (I'm getting there hehe). This is the right time to stop, think and choose our paths. I think this is the best time while we are young, while our hearts are on flame. But of course it’s always never too late. But we have to seize the right opportunities.

We are always given, not one, but many chances I believe. Everyday is a chance. Everyday there is opportunity. What chances are we taking in our everyday lives? What opportunities did we grab yesterday? What about today or tomorrow?

Right now, this very instant I’m at a standstill in this crossroad. Yes, I’m working. I have a stable job that offers decent benefits, good environment and a company that treats its people well. That’s all great but looking beyond this, I have to ask myself, “is this what I want to do for the rest of my career life?” Where has my passion for my work gone too? Why am I not fulfilled?

Oh, eager spirits that we are! We are always, always in a hurry. I am trying to understand this feeling of mine. Patience is not one of the virtues I’m good at. I hastily want to be on top. For me, unfortunately, it’s not the case. I have to work hard, gain experience, and prove my value...slowly and painstakingly!

Maybe this is just a phase. Maybe I’m being tested for my patience. Maybe I really do have to endure all these so I can better appreciate what God has blessed me with. I have to earn it this time because He has been very, very, very and I mean VERY good to me.

I will not falter to this challenge. Though I’m at a standstill, I’m still gaining much knowledge that can help me choose. I need to change for the better and equip myself with the necessary tools I need along the way. This transformation is vital in deciding what road to take. Yes! Maybe this standstill is a good thing. It’s giving me enough time for me to realize what I really want.

So for the mean time, I’m at a standstill in this crossroad. I’m just going about the things I have to do. I just do what I’m told. ‘For the mean time’ seems like a thousand years! But I will try my best to be patient and look at things on the brighter side. After all, I am still very blessed. I am here for a reason. And the reason, right now, only God knows. But in time it will unfold, piece by piece. Everyday, as I question myself and pray to God to send me my ‘sweet fat chocolate’ the answer is being revealed to me. Slowly but surely the pieces of the puzzle will fit and everything will make sense. Everything is worthwhile. No regrets.

So I thank God for yet another crossroad in my life. As we encounter it, we are given the opportunity to choose. The decision is ours as we exercise and express our freedom. And in choosing our path we are given ample time to decide. So being in this crossroad isn’t so bad after all. Let’s just set our goals and priorities straight and make sure we exercise our freedom so as not to prolong our state of seemingly futile crossroad. For if we take too much time, we may have already missed out on our opportunity.

My Heart's Desire

2007-02-14T16:50:00.000+08:00

Going through life’s everyday motions, I find myself following the movements of the crowd where I don’t standout. Moving without thinking. Moving without feeling. Moving with the callous movements of the body. We are enslaved...the slave drivers of the corporate world where we are hardly recognized for our efforts. Results, results, results are all that matters. Well of course it matters! Now I know what, “I feel boxed in”, means. I know how it feels like.

The passion that’s burning inside me is slowly dying. Shortly, my light will be out...my gas, empty. Fill me up. But I have yet to blossom. I’m on the verge of surrendering.

-----“Dare to be different.”-----

-----“Challenge the status quo.”-----

These are some of the things we often hear but seldom take upon ourselves. In fear of the unknown we submit to the pressures. We let the crowd carry our feet and let them think and answer for us. We shut up and so we are shut out. Our privilege to speak our minds rot inside us but then we frequently worry about everything else.

It’s true that benefits are enticing but you really have to love what you are doing. When you work, your job and yourself must be in harmony in order to be productive.

Am I to blame for this lack of enthusiasm? I need to find my heart’s desires. Still searching for my sweet fat chocolate!

Move with the motions of your heart’s desires. Move with passion.

Standout. Be different. Challenge the status quo.

The question is...are we bold enough?

Sweet Fat Chocolate

2007-02-09T14:37:00.001+08:00

What can I do in this box?

Motivate me!

What am I doing here?

Remind me. Give me a good reason.

What excites you?

What keeps a person going?

How does he drag himself to work?

How do you keep yourself together?

Teach me, I beg of you!

Everyday I need my constant reminder.

I think I need to search for my “bouquet of flowers” too.

Or my “stars”! I need a sign!

Divine intervention!

What do you think?

Since I’m a sucker for chocolates,

I will pray to God everyday

to send me my sweet fat chocolate!

Sweet fat chocolate! Sweet fat chocolate!

Are you my sweet fat chocolate?

Is this my sweet fat chocolate?

Lord, please send me my sweet fat chocolate!
I need my motivation, my inspiration, my reason.

Wishing You Well

2007-02-08T17:55:00.001+08:00

My Creative Zen Micro is broken =(

It slipped out of its case and landed on the tiled floor while I was standing in my room. I turned it on but it hanged to the startup logo screen and I heard this annoying beeping sound. Damn! I broke it! I just remembered it was out of warranty. Shit!

So I went to the store where I bought it and asked about their paid services or of Creative’s support center. It’s in faraway-from-me Manila! But this guy from the shop told me to download the firmware and see if my computer detects the hardware so I can upgrade it ‘coz it just might be the problem. Yes! My hopes were up.

So I tried that but my laptop can’t detect the damn hardware. So I went to another shop and asked about support for the damn thing. The guy there told me that there is a P1000 fee of having it checked by Creative – repaired or not! The hell, right!?! Then Moses asked what the problem might be with the player and he said it might be the motherboard and it costs P5000! I was like, no way! How much do these things cost nowadays anyway. And there are a lot other cheaper mp3 players out there. I said never mind, I’ll think about it.

So I thought about getting it fixed in a cell phone repair shop or the like but my gadget-guru officemate told me he’d try to fix it. Right now he’s doing just that with the help of Creative Discussion Forums. So far he’s doing the “Caveman Method”, which a lot of the people in the forum said was a success. Hahaha! Actually the “Caveman Method” and bringing it to the service center are the only solutions by far!

The “Caveman Method” is banging or rather tapping the player really hard with your palm or on the table. Yikes! Poor Zen Micro! But in fairness, there’s progress! =p I just hope it’ll work again!

Wishing you well... please work...work! work! work!
Until then.

Fixing Myself

2007-02-07T12:30:00.000+08:00

“Grow up”, he said. “Take responsibility”. Those words lingered in my head as I cried myself to sleep one night...

“If you love someone, set him free.”

I came to ponder on the saying. It doesn’t mean saying ‘good-bye’ or parting from your love one. It simply means giving your partner a ‘little space’. By ‘little space’, those words sound intimidating...it is scary to hear those combinations of words for crying-out-loud! It’s like an introduction for breaking up with someone. But no because, in another sense, I believe it means allowing your partner to think for himself without you dictating what he might do in certain situations (influence perchance). The consequences you (both) just have to face after. But allow your partner to make the decision in his own free will. Give him the chance to prove himself. Let him take responsibility for his own actions. Let him! Because he still has to learn...he has to grow, sometimes on his own...even though it’s the hard way. Though you are united in one love, you still think independently. You interpret things in different ways. You’re still two beings. So let him. If you love someone, don’t hold him by the neck. If he loves you enough he is yours and you just have to trust him to make the right decision for the sake of you both.

But what about intoxication...what if he’s not sober?

“I want to be there for you (when you get drunk) so I can take care of you. I want to protect you because I wouldn’t know what to do if something (bad) happened to you”.

You love him that much that you want to be overly protective of him and of your relationship. But no matter how much you love him and no matter how much your happiness depends on him, as if the world will crumble if you lose him, you don’t own him. And he can still hurt you by what he says or do, consciously or unconsciously. What’s frustrating the most is that if you make a mistake, 1 out of 10, the nine good and responsible decisions you’ve made wouldn’t matter because of that one mistake. One mistake! One mistake and it’s all over. All hopes and dreams and the trust shatters into pieces like a broken glass. No matter how much you try to put the pieces back together, you can never bring it back. Love is just not enough anymore.

“You have a choice. Bad things or temptations can be avoided”.

It hurts. It hurts to say that I didn’t allow you to protect me the way you wanted to. It hurts to say that I hurt you badly. It hurts to realize that I made some awful decisions and allowed things to happen that I shouldn’t have. It hurts to say that I didn’t do anything to vindicate myself...or you...or us. It hurts me so that I kept it from you. The guilt I just couldn’t bear.

I had to take a chance and come out clean because I wouldn’t want to continue lying to you...to myself. I’m bad and so ashamed of what I did. But I have to face this. I have to face you...your anger, your hurt and the consequences. I have to risk it because it’s the only way I can be free. I have to lay my cards down and show you all the beauty and ugliness in me. I have to know if you are willing to accept all that. If you can still accept me...

And you did. You do accept me...everything that I am. And I let out a heavy sigh of relief. As if this big cross I carry around became half the load. It’s because you carried the other half. And what’s great about it is that you are giving me the chance to recuperate from this bug I have. You’re allowing me to fix myself, and not you, fixing me. You’re giving me my chance, my opportunity, my freedom to show you what I’m made of...to show you how responsible I’ve become...for you, for me, for us. I just have to prove it. Show it. Let you feel it. These I vowed to myself.

“What do you want me to do?”, I asked you.

In return, you asked of me, “Because I am hurt, allow me to heal from the pain. I love you, and that will never change. I will not tell you what to do but please understand what I’m going through. Love me the way you love me and because you love me. That is all”.

The Perpetrator

2007-02-06T16:48:00.000+08:00

Love is the reason for all this frenzy! Either you’re happy or disappointed with your love life. Sometimes, you don’t even care. Some cope by drinking sessions, partying ‘til the break of dawn, shopping spree, pigging out, working overtime and other sorts of distraction.

Yes, distraction. We all need some sort of diversion from love. If not, it will consume you. You can’t always focus on it. There are other things to mind. I’m not saying it’s not important. For me it’s a blessing from God. But this is not everything there is to in life. We have our priorities and obligations. We still have to use our heads. We still have to grow to the fullest of our abilities.

But love is stubborn! It will find you, it will hit you, and it will make you vulnerable. Sometimes it will make you weak, though sometimes strong. It will blind you, though it can also open your eyes to things that are beautiful. It will cage you, but it can also bring you to a different world…to heaven! Though love can be careless, it is also responsible. It’s still your choice. What will it be? Be the perpetrator of love and not make it as an excuse of your qualms.

The Tale of the ‘Monologues Of A Twenty Something...'

2007-02-02T15:24:00.000+08:00

I do a lot of daydreaming. I stare at the computer screen blankly. Position my hands as if I were about to type or hold the mouse in one hand and the other positioned on the keypads ready to press Alt+Tab in case my boss goes over my cubicle. Major pretending to be busy (lol)!

Then sometimes thoughts just run through my head and I get this yearning to type in my feelings. Looking for the right words, sometimes highfaluting, I press down Shift+F7 so it will look or sound nice and also I can add words to my vocabulary.

I play these monologues inside my head (sometimes debating with myself) of what was, what is and what I hope would be, based on my experiences and of what I have seen, heard or read. I try my best to translate them into words, and then read them silently to my satisfaction.

I share it to the world because I have a story to tell. And my story I hope will somehow inspire, affect, and bring joy to my readers or to those who have come across it.

My Only Hope

2007-01-31T15:04:00.000+08:00

Emptiness. It’s what I feel whenever I’m alone. I try to color my life with rainbow but this vacuum leaves me longing and wanting for more. I devour like it’s an addiction I must satisfy. Alas, it dissipates and I’m empty once more.

Madness. Everyday I fight for my sanity. I wake up mechanically as mind and body collide. What is out there? What is my place in this world? What will become of me? At the back of my head I worry about these questions. We are all afraid but we embark upon it alone. I look for answers and it becomes my obsession.

Hopefulness. All other things are uncertain except for that one thing I hold dear. My God, my God, my God! My faith in God. I pray that I don’t lose this hope. My one and only hope.

Happiness. By simply loving and being loved. It is the greatest feeling in the world whether mental, physical, spiritual. I am affirmed and appreciated. I am given meaning and reason for my existence. My faith in God is mirrored through my love. My love for you and my love who is you. This is my love of happiness and happiness of love.

And because of my love I am no longer empty but contented. This madness of mine becomes a delightful endeavor. My hope remains to be my hope so I can keep this gift of happiness.

My Little Box

2007-01-24T11:25:00.001+08:00

I see the world in this little box of mine
Where my life revolves.
It’s this little island called the Philippines.
A place where I grew up and will most likely end up
For the rest of my life.

But every now and then I will travel
And witness the world outside my box
To experience life the way I am not accustomed to.
And I will enjoy it
Every bits and pieces of the moment.

Then I will realize how wonderful life is
Inside and outside my box.
That my world is not just in this little box of mine.
That I can be anywhere in the world I like
And I can call it my own.

I will learn to value what I have
And appreciate the people I’ve met along the way.
Then little by little I will open my box
To let the world in
To let my world out.

And so this little box of mine
Will simply have to give way
To the breadth of life.
My world will no longer be in this little box
But something bigger, something better.

Beautiful Brown China Eyes

2007-01-11T19:10:00.001+08:00

I look at him
and see a beautiful man in front of me.
I am drawn...hypnotized...
can’t take my eyes off of him.
He drowns me with
his beautiful brown china eyes of his.
And I stare back.

He speaks to me without saying a word.
He feels me without touching me.
He hears me without words out of my mouth.
He sees me with his beautiful brown china eyes.

He sees the world and he shows me the wonderful life.
He sees love and he lets me feel his love.
He sees me and he makes me a better person.
And I see it all through his beautiful brown china eyes.

Happy

2006-12-27T01:07:00.000+08:00

3 things that make me most happy…

When you're happy.
When I'm with you.
When you're proud of me.

The Loving Forgiveness Of A Father

2006-12-27T01:06:00.000+08:00

Your mind is clouded with anger, irritation or whatever negative feeling you may have towards someone or something.
Then you react based on the situation.
Your reason is overshadowed with great feelings and emotion.
You tend to say something harsh or do something stupid.
After everything that was said and done the conflict remains.
You lock yourself up in your room to cool your head and ponder on the incident.
You try to reflect and recall what transpired.
Then you realize the lapse in judgment…the mistakes made.
You come to your senses and accept fault.
You humble yourself and think of ways to make it up.
You pray and muster strength to combat pride within you.
And if successful, you come into terms with the conflict.
“I’m sorry.”
You blurted out softly and shyly at first.
“Ok.” was the instant reply you got.
You repeat it but this time you’re filled with guilt and you meant every word.
You hoped for a favorable response of forgiveness as your watery eyes trickled down into tears.
You try to hide it but couldn’t handle the shame of disrespect.
So you pleaded by crying and leaning the head on the shoulder.
That little drama helped a lot in gaining sympathy, but it was heartfelt and real.
You began to sob uncontrollably because of an embrace.
It was the embrace of forgiveness and love of a loving father to a child that strayed.
You wondered how great his love must be as he welcomed you into his arms and forgot about the hurt caused.
The conflict was resolved and the resolution was not to hurt him like that again.
And so you try your best to be a good daughter…for him and his great love…because he deserves it and because you love him dearly.
Then you treat him to Starbucks to make sure everything’s back to normal and more.
And indeed it was! ☺

Unhappy

2006-12-27T00:43:00.001+08:00

I want to leave!
I want to get out of here!
I'm not happy here!
I'm not myself here!
I just hurt the people close to my heart.
I don't want to do that anymore.
I want to stop!

Time

2006-12-26T03:22:00.000+08:00

I want to turn back time and make up for the moments lost and wasted.
I want to freeze time to this wonderful fleeting moment of joy.
I want to fast forward time to the day I am yours and you are mine forever!

The Reason

2006-12-26T03:14:00.000+08:00

You’re my reason why...
...........................my life is so colorful.
...........................I tamed my vices.
...........................I try my very best to be patient.
...........................I look forward to tomorrow.
...........................I struggle to be the best I can be and improve.
...........................I feel so lucky and blessed.
...........................I feel loved and important.
...........................I hope and dream.
...........................I want to look my best.
...........................I want to be loyal.
...........................I want to have a family.
...........................I want to live my life.
...........................I love and my life is full of spirit.
You’re my reason for everything.
You’re my reason for my happiness.
I wouldn’t exchange you for the world!

I Love You

2006-12-26T02:55:00.000+08:00

I love you more than love itself.
It is not confined in the words of what it means.
It is beyond my comprehension.
It’s unconditional love.
Sometimes I don’t understand nor can I explain it.
It’s not a mystery for me to solve.
It’s not just this feeling.
I love you because I choose to love you.
But love…oh love!
It took over me.
And it feels oh so wonderful.
I like it!

***image https://www.fireworksarcade.com/images/love-heart.jpg

Lovers and Haters

2006-12-02T05:39:00.000+08:00

Do you have to hate the person you love in order to move on?

He must have had done something awful to deserve your hatred. Because if not, how do you grow to hate the person you love?

You form thoughts in your head…thoughts that will justify the reasons for hating him. And so you dig in to his flaws and try to bury the happy memories. You force yourself to do this – reasoning out and analyzing everything that was said and done beating yourself from loneliness. Some things are pointed out and exaggerated. We believe the things we want to believe. We cry then harden ourselves. We find fault in him because this is the easiest way to cope with the heartache.

Hate is a powerful word. It comes deep within the person. It grows through time.

I’ve been hated once like this before…hated to be forgotten. And he felt he needed to do it for himself. I thought it was unfair of him because I felt I didn’t really do anything to deserve it. Because I thought I was clear from the very beginning that I just wanted to be friends.

But it was his way of coping…because he needed to forget about me in order to move on with his life…so he would stop expecting. It worked for him he said. But fate had its way. When our hearts met the second time around, there was something there I thought I never had…I thought I had lost…almost. He thought he hated me…thought he’d forgotten about me, but it all came rushing back. And now we’ve been together ever since.

So how can you hate the person you love when the person you thought you’d learn to hate, you actually still love? Always have I suppose…

You can’t really hate the person you love…well not totally. The heart can be independent from the brain sometimes. When you love, you love with your heart. But when the heart is broken, you try to protect it with all you can…and the brain somehow dictates how the heart should feel. It will feel the rationalizations and the logical explanations of the head. So no matter how much you still love the person, reason will direct you to forget and move on…it will dismiss the feelings of the heart. How will you do this? The easiest way is to hate the person so as not to prolong your suffering. And so you train yourself to dislike the person until eventually you learn to abhor him. Once you’ve done so…the heart stops beating for him. And you will congratulate yourself for doing so because now you can say that you have moved on. Or so you thought…

Because now, you only learned to hate him but not really forget about him. And I am not quite certain how far you can go in ‘moving on’ with hate lingering inside you. This is why, they say, the ‘exes’, (especially those who had bad break-ups and great expectations burst) can never be friends…only in civility perhaps…those who have not lost each others’ respect. So no, I don’t believe you should hate the person you love in order to move on.

You can say, however, that you stopped expecting. And so the feeling fades and maybe…just maybe…love fades with it. Until the heart heals and until you learn to accept…only time can tell. But this, at least, is a good basis of moving on. Accept and not expect…but never be a hater of love.

Simply Writing

2006-11-24T19:15:00.000+08:00

Write everything down.
Your opinions, your thoughts, your feelings.
Feel free. Open up.
Take the weight off your shoulders.
Share it to the world.
It doesn’t matter if it doesn’t rhyme.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t make sense.
It doesn’t matter if they don’t understand.
It doesn’t matter for this is your pleasure, your solace.
Everything is raw and abstract.
It is real. Filled with emotions.
Careless and carefree…you decide!
But behind it all there is a story.
And that is it.

Sometimes...

2006-11-24T18:34:00.000+08:00

Sometimes...
We have to do things on our own.
We have to be alone.
We have to make risks.
We have to learn to let go.
We have to think for ourselves.
We have to make a stand.
We have to speak up.
We have to listen.
We just have to let things be.
It is not so bad.

Because...
We have to face the truth.
We have to face reality.
We have to face our demons.
We have to face the world.
We have to face responsibility.
We cannot expect.

So we can be happy.
So we can have peace of mind.
So we can face ourselves in the mirror.
So we can face the world…
Our friends….
Our family…
Our love…
Our God.

***espirro-no-mato.weblog.com.pt

Inncocent Danger

2006-11-16T10:49:00.000+08:00

As I halted in front of the stoplight, I looked out the window and saw two boys playing mock basketball. One boy was taller than the other. At one instance the little kid was dribbling (w/o a ball) and then took a shot as the taller boy jumped up to block it. And it seemed he did because then the possession was with the taller boy. They were laughing their hearts out as they played.

What was ironic though was I found myself amused with these little kids on the sidewalk…simple joys. But at the same time I was concerned that these kids were playing at risk. They were in danger of getting hit by a car or truck with one wrong step.

But why is this? Why can’t these innocent kids play peacefully on a playground? Are they getting the same opportunities as with the other kids?

I guess not. It may be worse for some.

The light turned green and so I sped away with my thoughts lingering with those boys and the other kids with the same fate.

How To Save A Soul

2006-11-08T15:14:00.000+08:00

I don’t need to be a doctor.
I don't need to be a cop.
I don't need to be a lifeguard.
I don’t need to be Superman.

But I want to save you…
not for your health…
not for your protection…
not for your life...
not for anything else...

So tell me, how do you save a soul?
Can anyone tell me please!?

I’m helpless knowing this.

A nun or priest perhaps?

Turn to God.
Turn to the Bible.
Pray.

These...I hope...will help save a soul.

***image www.matamata.com

The Road To Happiness

2006-11-07T17:46:00.000+08:00

There came a point in my life...
Where I had to choose the path...
Where my journey will carry on.
Filled with uncertainty...
From the pictures of vagueness ahead.
I was frightened.
I was in the middle...
Of hundreds of roads.
I couldn’t choose.

I closed my eyes...
And let my heart decide.
My feet tread...
Where the wind blew...
As it carried me...
Through the woods, the storm...
Across the fields, the mountains, the seas, the skies.

It was exhausting...
Yet exhilarating.
It made me...
Alive.

A road...
Where distance is not measured...
Where no boundaries are set...
Where time has no relevance...
Where the world is in slow motion...

This is the road I chose...
The road that led me to you...
The road we took together...
Where I walk, you will follow...
And that I would gladly do the same.

I never imagined it to be...
As beautiful as this...
Sweet bliss...
Of sugar-coated dreams.
Oh what delight...
Sheer happiness!

Although I am still with fear...
That this feeling of ecstasy is all fleeting...
That the cookie may crumble...
That the picture may soon fade...
That the heart may stop beating...
For nothing is forever.

Alas!
It may seem wasteful...
But this is the life...
That keeps us grounded...
For what goes up...
Must come down...
And this is reality...
We all have to face...
Keep in mind.

But I am grateful...
To have chosen this path...
And living it...
For it is all worth living for...
And worth dying for...
Love surpasses everything.

This is it.
We have come along way...
It has been smooth, rough and dirty
And there will be more ahead.

There may be narrow roads, sharp curves,
Turns and dead-ends...
We will yield to it all...
Not to surrender...
But to build and re-build...
Roads, bridges, tunnels...
Of love and promises,
Words, actions and fancy alike,
Where everything becomes one.

My road, your road...
It will meet, to be our road...
And I will cherish this long drive with you.

Wonderful Uncertainties of Life

2006-11-03T09:23:00.000+08:00

We live in uncertainty, but that’s the wonderful surprise life brings...wonderful uncertainties with you that is! Therefore, I will embrace it with arms wide open...every breathtaking moment. Life is so wonderful! I’m in such a high...

***image www.filmsite.org

The Rainbow After the Rain

2006-10-27T14:56:00.000+08:00

I have no major issues...no personal dilemma, no family problems, no shaky finances, no stressful work, no deteriorating health, no conflicts with friends or co-workers...no nothing. I have a carefree life! Thank God! I am blessed. But we all are.

So how come people think I live a perfect life? No, I don’t think so. No one is perfect. Nothing is perfect but the Omnipotent One above. I can’t say that my life is problem-free. I encounter it everyday.

Handling it with 10%...ok 20% of crying and loosing yourself out of rage and depression is enough. Shake it off!

Know the problem. Look for opportunities and solutions. Pray hard. Ask for help and guidance. Believe in yourself. Approach it. Handle it. We can do this.

Yes, it’s easier said than done. But that’s just the way it is. Everyone has to pass through it...even He who suffered for us. It’s a matter of time. Just remember the beautiful butterfly that has to struggle in its cocoon in order to fly...to be free!

He is your solace when lost.

The Element of Change

2006-10-06T17:11:00.000+08:00

I’m behind the wheel. Out for a joyride. Speeding. The images through the window are a blur. Buckle up. It’s a rollercoaster ride.

I’m putting my feet on the ground, fists clenched, chest out, chin up high, eyes with intensity and my soul on fire.

I’m in-charge here. Follow my lead. Stand up. Stand up high. For we are the driving force...the element of change.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” -- Margaret Mead

***image www.northlandposter.com

Fight the Good Fight

2006-10-03T17:32:00.000+08:00

Stop. Just how productive do you think your day is? How are you spending your life today? Think...hmm...a little more...hmmm...

Blank. My day is such a waste. Sitting. Waiting ‘til the clock says it’s time.
I’m a bum at work. How horrible! Shameful. Better to work my ass off with a sweat than in this pretentious place. It’s so unfair and yet I’m aware of my callousness.

The devil is lurking around me. His cunning ways are ready to seize my soul, anytime now, to burn!

Help! Save me from captivity. I am rotting.

My ideas are confined in this hollow box. I long for the emancipation of my spirit. It’s out there...in the wild, in the open seas…where my heart treads. This idealistic mind boasts a lot but lacks feat. But my convictions are genuine. It is yearning with vigor. It is hopeful that the world tomorrow will be the consequence of the good fight, by us...today. “Fight the good fight”, we shall bellow together in unison.

And so I’m stirred not to succumb to apathy. I am in the battlefield waging war against my personal evils. I shall fight the good fight, and I will thrive.

Do you love me?

2006-09-20T08:35:00.000+08:00

The best thing about the question, “Do you love me?” is not that there is doubt, but it’s the chance you can answer back, “Yes, I love you.”

***image www.ac-nancy-metz.fr

Victory at Last!

2006-09-19T17:34:00.002+08:00

I’m in euphoria. It’s exhilarating! This elation, I thought, could never be reached with my capabilities. I was mistaken. I have proven my fears and doubts wrong. I am as capable and as talented as anyone else in my league. I just needed a little help from my confidence, knowledge and group mates. This is a legacy. It has long been overdue but now I am proud to be the one to roll it out. A brilliant project that was passed on to me to finish what was needed. I am grateful to my mentors who have helped me and to those who have been very patient with the circumstances and me. This experience has taught me a great deal. I can carry this on to the next level and do better. This is my triumph, our success. Nothing is sweeter than the taste of victory at hand. Cheers!

***image www.decodeunicode.org